WHy oh WHy

What a week it has been having bronchitis having to take a pregnancy blood test, bringing my son to the heart doctor.  NO wonder i was having anxiety.  They needed to take the pregnancy test to make sure i can take an antibiotic. I also needed it so i could take an antidepressant.

 Well it was negative and we were grateful i need to get things in order for my self first. When i got the blood test results they did tell me my liver enzymes were high.  Hearing news like that made me very angry. I kept thinking enough was enough. Haven't we been through enough.  We were both shocked and taken back by what the doctor said. I mean we found out my husband has a cyst on his kidney earlier this year. 

 It just sucks that things just keep coming up medically.  I am just praying everything is alright and when they redo the test week that everything is normal. I am getting an ultrasound, blood work and another doctors appointment plus all the activities i signed the boys up for.  It's going to be another crazy week to make sure i am okay.  

We did get good news with my sons doctor appointment.  He was saying his Blood pressure was good on his arms and legs which means no coarctation of his aorta. He even said the hole his VSD seemed to be getting smaller which was an answer to prayer.  He was telling us that when he met with the doctors at Christ they said they didn't want to do surgery if it's not needed.  I think they thought his hole would close.  

I know they are just making sure everything is okay and it might sound like i am complaining but sometimes It really does help to talk about things even if it isn't to a person just letting it out your worries and problems. 

Lord i trust in you i bring all my worries to you. Please help us at this time with the many things that have been put before us.  We pray for peace with what is going on we pray for your love and help.  Amen

Disney TRIP

Well it's 40 days till our trip and boy i can't wait.

 I look on all these websites to see the best way to do things there and how to work the Disney system.  I count down the days until we go.. what rides we are going on.. i even go on youtube and watch Disney videos.. like i said before i am a Disney Freak and can't wait till the day we move there.  17 years till we move not sure if i can wait that long. But enough about that back to Disney

I just cant wait to stay right by magic kingdom at on of the very nice resorts.  I mean it might not be the nicest of the four resorts. But it's so close to the best Theme Park.
We probably would have never stayed here if we had to pay full price i mean we are paying 1/4 of what people really pay it's like staying one night getting 6 nights free.  These places are expensive though.  People save their money for years just to go to Disney and you have to.  I mean if i had to pay full price for the room we are staying at it would be 6000 or 7000 more for the room. Disney is nuts with the prices for their rooms and park tickets for sure.  Between using our Disney points and getting a deal on park tickets is the only thing we are paying full price for. Disney Points are great yah having a credit card does suck but the points are paying for part of our meal plan.

Weird dream

A few weeks ago I had this dream I was pregnant. It was really weird because it was so real. I was giving birth at home because the baby was coming so fast. I could feel the pain of having that baby. Surprised that it was a boy and we named him Cameron Michael. Wow what a dream. P.s don't steal my name we actually like it. I will never use a Name a friend was going to use or uses. so as the the dream continued we made it to the hospital so they could check the baby. They said the baby had a heart condition. Really even in my dreams my boys have heart conditions. They told me he would be on medicine for the rest of his life and then I woke up. Not only was I shocked that I had a dream I was pregnant but I mad a dream I was giving birth. Let's just top it off witha boy and a heart condition. What does this dream mean. Does it mean we will be having another...does it mean somethIng with Lukas heart.

Depression and trying to cope

http://www.proverbs31.org/everyday-life/top-10-ways-you-can-choose-hope-and-claim-pea-2011-03/

A great site to help with Depression.  I have always known that no one is perfect and only God is. So what i am going through doesn't mean i am broken or perfect it does mean that i am human. I need to look on the brighter side of things.

I know it helps when i keep myself busy so bringing my sons to the Y and church gives me that time to get out and be around people.  It has been easier since we started going to the Y and started to work out together. I don't feel as angry or tired.  I know that going out and doing things helps me with my Depression their are times were i feel like i really don't want to go out today.

The one thing i need to get control over is my anger and my short fuse.  I hate to take pills and yah some of it can be that it is pride, but if it can help me with my anger than i need to talk to the doctor and get pills. I have been reading other blogs were moms have to do it for them and their family.  Its about changing and not being the same anymore.

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

Woking out week 2-3.. yah i know

Well today i felt so blah working out today i didn't push it as much.  Didn't help that my stomach was growling and i had my cinch like 3 hours before but the hubby woke up at 1pm and we worked out after i got my hair did! Always a plus... it is what i call my SPA time.  We started p90x it 3 weeks ago but since we had a vacation weekend it 2 weeks that we have done it. I bought this for my hubby in May i wanted to start sooner so we could have met our goal before our trip to Disney. For some reason the husband was reluctant. aka scared. But i have to give him credit he has been doing it everyday and has to push me to do it.  The day that we don't have to work out i feel like i should be.  I feel like i should be doing more workouts a day.  Like in biggest loser.  I know i don't want to get obsessive. This happens when i work out sometimes i either do it constantly or don't do it at all.  I have to find a happy medium.

My other issue is food. We have a love hate relationship. I just have to eat the right amount of food i either go under or over what i should be eating.  My fitness pal is a good site that was recommended by a friend but it's hard to get online and do it sometimes so i have no clue if what i am eating is enough.  I tried writing down what i eat but i forgot to do it. I just can't remember that's why i stopped weight watchers.  I can't remember at all to write stuff down. Things are just so forgotten lately.  DP your killing me.

(DP) is my code for Depression.

Well i guess we will see how this week goes.

A day with no yelling...and a friend that cares

AMEN to no yelling today. This day was very relaxing and nice.  I didn't have to yell or raise my voice at all. It was so nice.. the only thing i didn't like about the day is my son thought it was okay to play on the computer.. and so did someone else in my house. The one who wears the pants.  Not sure if that is Lukas or My husband but it was both today. He was calm and did some chores.  It's hard to get him to do chores but i did have to bribe him. He might have said no a few times but it was not with an attitude.  He even went to VBS without having a huge fit.  I am just glad it was a new day and we are starting over.  It's a new beginning.

I know God brings people into our lives for a reason and sometimes i do feel like I am alone and pushed in the back corner. It is hard to make an effort when no one else does sometimes.  I am really glad that God brought someone in my life that understands what i am going through not only with my child but hormonally.  This person has been through it too and gets it. She knows how to talk to me and how to help me figure out things to do and say.  I know i need help and have been dealing with things for a long time.  It just took this one person help me.  Again GOD brings someone into your life to help you come closer to him..

I also have a small group of women who I know are always praying for me thinking about me and they know who they are. They knew how to help me and what i was going through.  I thank God so much for them too.

It has always been hard for me to keep friends.  I had a friend and then they got another friend and would never call back and it made me feel alone. I have felt that way and still do but i know that if i get some help i will be happy and not so angry all the time.  I hate the way i feel all the time i hate the way people make me feel. I hate that having depression all these years has done that to me. It makes me angry and sad.  Yes I have been through a lot of crap deaths, marriage first born having a heart condition surgery at 13 days old.  God got me through it all.

God has helped me with so much.   I always put everything in his hands and trust that he will get me through it if i don't worry about it.  I think everyone needs to talk. It's am not complaining I just need to get things out.  I know i will always have one friend to count on and that is GOD.  Sometimes you do need more than that though.  Just so you know the commercial about depression are so right and i never knew i had it and hearing the commercials made me think...wow that's me. It really does help to get things off your chest.
I will always keep close to my heart
I will do all things through christ who strengths me.
I said that scripture at my mothers funeral because it was something that kept me going

Ruin my day thank you

My oldest son has a nasty attitude and will ruin your day by being so nasty.  He is very demanding and in the morning can be very mean. When he wants to eat he says i want i want i want.. i told him we don't say i want we ask nicely.. He kept saying I WANT to eat I WANT the computer I want the TV. I told him to do his responsibilities first if he wanted the computer.. of course he said no. His other favorite word. His attitude already ruined my day and its 9 am here.  He dis-repected me calling me names. Tell me to shut up.  Not sure what i can do with him anymore.  Tired of fight tired of yelling i hate to say it but tired of him.  He is giving me gray hair and i am not even 30 yet.  I know my depression is makes me angry and my fuse is shorter than usual but this kid does not help.

I feel like i am the only one who feels like I am a horrible parent.  Or the only one who has a child who misbehaves everyday.  I don't get a good day or peace and quiet from him.  He doens't nap so i never get a break from him. He is the only kid i know who has to be by us and can't play in his room. He's ruining my relationship with my husband too.  He acts worse to get what he wants from daddy and daddy just gives it to him.

Does anyone else feel this way.. Does anyone who has depression feel this way?? Like they can't handle it or are yelling all day long??  I am still trying new things to help with his behavior but it will last for one or two days and he is back to his normal bad self.

I needed to get that off my chest because i can't stand this every day behavior that ruins my WHOLE DAY.

p90x

So we started it last week and i hurt my back and lower abs i felt like it was so tight that when i moved it was tearing.. seriously why is it i keep getting hurt with this stuff.  First insanity now this.
We are on the second week and i missed the first day already.  I am hoping by posting this it will keep me accountable and forget about being hurt.   I have been also taking CInch by shaklee  which is a meal replacement that  helps you lose weight, curve your appetite and helps build muscles mass.  It really does make me feel full.  Sometimes i can't help it but eat so this help keep me satisfied during the day.  If you want some more info on Shaklee let me know i can send you my site you will also get 15% off.  membership is a one time thing too.  They have everything Green. vitamins for adults and children also cleaning products. I got some pills to help my mood since i have been so depressed.  I love their accelerate you drink it during your workout or when you feel you need a little pick up when it hot out.
I also got a drink for after your workout haven't tried it yet but hope it helps.. it is supposed to help with your muscles and with helping you not feel so sore.
SO much to do with living a different lifestyle i know so much but feel like i don't know anything sometimes.  I have done so many diets i hate it.  I do want to change but don't have that motivation anymore. it's gone.  My hubby and i are doing this together so we keep each other motivated and going.
   Have to take before pictures we forgot whoops and measurements it did help last time we did insanity.  Of course hubby lost weight very quickly due to not drinking any soda.  Me i never drink it and only water so it's what i am eating plus the lack of motivation.  I just want to get to my goal before we go to Disney then my next goal and so on.
Now i know why my mom did gastric bypass but i would never recommend it to anyone.  I killed her before she even got out of the hospital..

I just have to remember to keep going and
BRING IT!

My BOYs

Let me introduce my boys
Ken is my hubby we have been married since may 22 2004
He is an officer and works very hard at what he does and kicks everyone else at work. He gets so many points he got officer of the year this year. Very proud of my man. Like the song says.. He works hard for the money so hard for it hunny and that is my man. Love him so much.

The Second man in my life is Lukas a very special, handsome, determined little boy.  He is so determined he survived heart surgery at 13 days old and is still fighting to survive. He is 4 years old and acts like a teen already. He has RSV and is still having to see a pediatric heart doctor every so often. The one kid i pray for so many time a day for not just behavior but for his heart. Here he is now. 

The newest man in my life is Jordan a sweet, layed back, funny, adorable, cuddly little guy.  reminds me of his daddy probably why i love him so much.  Here he is 

All these boys/men are very special to me and I wouldn't want it any other way.  They do bring me joy a different kind of joy.   I will always cherish them. 

Disney Trips = Happiness

    Disney trips are the one thing that bring me happiness.  I swear i need to work for Disney or planning Disney trips.  Something about planning my Disney trip that makes me feel so different.  Don't get me wrong my baby boy brings me happiness too but this is different.  All the family memories and being at Disney reminds me of my mother.

      My mother passed away when i was 19 years old and we went to Disney almost every year.  The pools the rides, meeting all the characters just brings me joy.  Walking on main street brings a smile to my face. It's just making those memories there that maybe make me think my mother is there with us.  It really is the happiest place on earth... at least for the children. The parents get a little overwhelmed after a while but seeing your kids faces when they see their favorite character brings tears to your eyes. 

       We have been going to Disney as a family with our oldest since he was 8 months old.  The first time we went with my brother and sister in law and nephews. I wasn't sure about going with a baby it didn't seem like fun to me.  I honestly thought it was easier when he was 8 months then it was at 22 months.  Disney makes it easier for you to go with your family when they are any age.  It's not cheap to go but they are free until 3.. You don't have to pay for food for them or park tickets.  Some people say they won't remember it.. well ask my son about it he will tell you his favorite ride who he met there and all the fun he had.  He's four now but he would have told us at the age of 2 and 3 what we did there.  They can go on rides too....they have tons of rides for little ones.  If they can't go on get a switch pass.. if you don't now what that is it's a fast pass that is given to the person that waits for the other person. They have to wait on the line but when they are done you get to jump on the fast pass.  If you don't know what a fast pass is it's a ticket that gets you to jump the line and you get on the ride faster. Seriously i can talk about Disney all day everyday.
Here are some pictures of my son Lukas first  trip to Disney. We stayed at Caribbean resort 

 Meeting Stitch at Ohanas

 His Aunt got him his first mickey ears with his name on it

 His first time in the baby pool

 My adorable nephews

Here is a Picture of my son at 22 months at his second trip to Disney went to breakfast at cape  may and went for a walk at the Beach Club Resort. 

His Third trip we went with my sister and i was 7 months pregnant.. blah..it was hot and i was so swollen. 

You can make memories everywhere but Disney to me is the one you will always remember and when you are older your kids will bring their kids and start a tradition that you started with them. 

Got to get things off my chest

Its so hard sometimes being a mom. It has it's good and bad days like today my oldest son Lukas whom-just turned four said

"mommy I love you"

four times today. Honestly I was shocked because he never says that to me. I usually say everyday

"I love you, just not your behavior right now. We say it all the time to him."

It can be ruff sometimes, but what you don't know is something I am going through that not many understand.  Depression I don't want to bring it up and when I do people don't know how to talk to me or just ignore it/me. This doesn't help my situation. I didn't know I had postpartum depression with my first born until having my second son Jordan. I told a friend what was going on and she knew how i felt and told me that i might have it, so i looked it up on the internet and yah it seemed correct. So i did therapy for a while and it helped. Buy Everyday is different. It hasn't been to the point were I wanted to kill myself or my children, but it makes you feel empty. You feel alone and not myself. I don't want to clean or go shopping (and the people who know me shopping is my thing). It just makes me not want to be around people sometimes and I can't help it. I am a Christian woman so I have prayed that God would fill that lonely and take it away for good, but he can only do so much when it comes to depression. I realized I have had it for many years which would explain my eating and lack of energy, not sleeping well, and just being soo angry all the time. I always felt lonely and not loved as a teen so it does explain why I felt that way. I just had to get it off my chest. Hi my name is Jessica and I have depression. Don't judge me just reach out and help me. Pray for me