Weird dream

A few weeks ago I had this dream I was pregnant. It was really weird because it was so real. I was giving birth at home because the baby was coming so fast. I could feel the pain of having that baby. Surprised that it was a boy and we named him Cameron Michael. Wow what a dream. P.s don't steal my name we actually like it. I will never use a Name a friend was going to use or uses. so as the the dream continued we made it to the hospital so they could check the baby. They said the baby had a heart condition. Really even in my dreams my boys have heart conditions. They told me he would be on medicine for the rest of his life and then I woke up. Not only was I shocked that I had a dream I was pregnant but I mad a dream I was giving birth. Let's just top it off witha boy and a heart condition. What does this dream mean. Does it mean we will be having another...does it mean somethIng with Lukas heart.

Depression and trying to cope

http://www.proverbs31.org/everyday-life/top-10-ways-you-can-choose-hope-and-claim-pea-2011-03/

A great site to help with Depression.  I have always known that no one is perfect and only God is. So what i am going through doesn't mean i am broken or perfect it does mean that i am human. I need to look on the brighter side of things.

I know it helps when i keep myself busy so bringing my sons to the Y and church gives me that time to get out and be around people.  It has been easier since we started going to the Y and started to work out together. I don't feel as angry or tired.  I know that going out and doing things helps me with my Depression their are times were i feel like i really don't want to go out today.

The one thing i need to get control over is my anger and my short fuse.  I hate to take pills and yah some of it can be that it is pride, but if it can help me with my anger than i need to talk to the doctor and get pills. I have been reading other blogs were moms have to do it for them and their family.  Its about changing and not being the same anymore.

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

Woking out week 2-3.. yah i know

Well today i felt so blah working out today i didn't push it as much.  Didn't help that my stomach was growling and i had my cinch like 3 hours before but the hubby woke up at 1pm and we worked out after i got my hair did! Always a plus... it is what i call my SPA time.  We started p90x it 3 weeks ago but since we had a vacation weekend it 2 weeks that we have done it. I bought this for my hubby in May i wanted to start sooner so we could have met our goal before our trip to Disney. For some reason the husband was reluctant. aka scared. But i have to give him credit he has been doing it everyday and has to push me to do it.  The day that we don't have to work out i feel like i should be.  I feel like i should be doing more workouts a day.  Like in biggest loser.  I know i don't want to get obsessive. This happens when i work out sometimes i either do it constantly or don't do it at all.  I have to find a happy medium.

My other issue is food. We have a love hate relationship. I just have to eat the right amount of food i either go under or over what i should be eating.  My fitness pal is a good site that was recommended by a friend but it's hard to get online and do it sometimes so i have no clue if what i am eating is enough.  I tried writing down what i eat but i forgot to do it. I just can't remember that's why i stopped weight watchers.  I can't remember at all to write stuff down. Things are just so forgotten lately.  DP your killing me.

(DP) is my code for Depression.

Well i guess we will see how this week goes.

A day with no yelling...and a friend that cares

AMEN to no yelling today. This day was very relaxing and nice.  I didn't have to yell or raise my voice at all. It was so nice.. the only thing i didn't like about the day is my son thought it was okay to play on the computer.. and so did someone else in my house. The one who wears the pants.  Not sure if that is Lukas or My husband but it was both today. He was calm and did some chores.  It's hard to get him to do chores but i did have to bribe him. He might have said no a few times but it was not with an attitude.  He even went to VBS without having a huge fit.  I am just glad it was a new day and we are starting over.  It's a new beginning.

I know God brings people into our lives for a reason and sometimes i do feel like I am alone and pushed in the back corner. It is hard to make an effort when no one else does sometimes.  I am really glad that God brought someone in my life that understands what i am going through not only with my child but hormonally.  This person has been through it too and gets it. She knows how to talk to me and how to help me figure out things to do and say.  I know i need help and have been dealing with things for a long time.  It just took this one person help me.  Again GOD brings someone into your life to help you come closer to him..

I also have a small group of women who I know are always praying for me thinking about me and they know who they are. They knew how to help me and what i was going through.  I thank God so much for them too.

It has always been hard for me to keep friends.  I had a friend and then they got another friend and would never call back and it made me feel alone. I have felt that way and still do but i know that if i get some help i will be happy and not so angry all the time.  I hate the way i feel all the time i hate the way people make me feel. I hate that having depression all these years has done that to me. It makes me angry and sad.  Yes I have been through a lot of crap deaths, marriage first born having a heart condition surgery at 13 days old.  God got me through it all.

God has helped me with so much.   I always put everything in his hands and trust that he will get me through it if i don't worry about it.  I think everyone needs to talk. It's am not complaining I just need to get things out.  I know i will always have one friend to count on and that is GOD.  Sometimes you do need more than that though.  Just so you know the commercial about depression are so right and i never knew i had it and hearing the commercials made me think...wow that's me. It really does help to get things off your chest.
I will always keep close to my heart
I will do all things through christ who strengths me.
I said that scripture at my mothers funeral because it was something that kept me going

Ruin my day thank you

My oldest son has a nasty attitude and will ruin your day by being so nasty.  He is very demanding and in the morning can be very mean. When he wants to eat he says i want i want i want.. i told him we don't say i want we ask nicely.. He kept saying I WANT to eat I WANT the computer I want the TV. I told him to do his responsibilities first if he wanted the computer.. of course he said no. His other favorite word. His attitude already ruined my day and its 9 am here.  He dis-repected me calling me names. Tell me to shut up.  Not sure what i can do with him anymore.  Tired of fight tired of yelling i hate to say it but tired of him.  He is giving me gray hair and i am not even 30 yet.  I know my depression is makes me angry and my fuse is shorter than usual but this kid does not help.

I feel like i am the only one who feels like I am a horrible parent.  Or the only one who has a child who misbehaves everyday.  I don't get a good day or peace and quiet from him.  He doens't nap so i never get a break from him. He is the only kid i know who has to be by us and can't play in his room. He's ruining my relationship with my husband too.  He acts worse to get what he wants from daddy and daddy just gives it to him.

Does anyone else feel this way.. Does anyone who has depression feel this way?? Like they can't handle it or are yelling all day long??  I am still trying new things to help with his behavior but it will last for one or two days and he is back to his normal bad self.

I needed to get that off my chest because i can't stand this every day behavior that ruins my WHOLE DAY.

p90x

So we started it last week and i hurt my back and lower abs i felt like it was so tight that when i moved it was tearing.. seriously why is it i keep getting hurt with this stuff.  First insanity now this.
We are on the second week and i missed the first day already.  I am hoping by posting this it will keep me accountable and forget about being hurt.   I have been also taking CInch by shaklee  which is a meal replacement that  helps you lose weight, curve your appetite and helps build muscles mass.  It really does make me feel full.  Sometimes i can't help it but eat so this help keep me satisfied during the day.  If you want some more info on Shaklee let me know i can send you my site you will also get 15% off.  membership is a one time thing too.  They have everything Green. vitamins for adults and children also cleaning products. I got some pills to help my mood since i have been so depressed.  I love their accelerate you drink it during your workout or when you feel you need a little pick up when it hot out.
I also got a drink for after your workout haven't tried it yet but hope it helps.. it is supposed to help with your muscles and with helping you not feel so sore.
SO much to do with living a different lifestyle i know so much but feel like i don't know anything sometimes.  I have done so many diets i hate it.  I do want to change but don't have that motivation anymore. it's gone.  My hubby and i are doing this together so we keep each other motivated and going.
   Have to take before pictures we forgot whoops and measurements it did help last time we did insanity.  Of course hubby lost weight very quickly due to not drinking any soda.  Me i never drink it and only water so it's what i am eating plus the lack of motivation.  I just want to get to my goal before we go to Disney then my next goal and so on.
Now i know why my mom did gastric bypass but i would never recommend it to anyone.  I killed her before she even got out of the hospital..

I just have to remember to keep going and
BRING IT!